I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
