The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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