can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
