new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
