just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
