Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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