if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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