last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
