I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
