then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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