i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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