My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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