the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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