Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize