I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
