I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
