fuck your aforementioned shoe
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize