last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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