Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
