Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just invented taco cereal.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
