So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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