I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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