I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
