I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
