It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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