drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
