I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
