dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Someone shattered a urinal.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
