it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
