After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
