Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
is that a dick in a sweater?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
