a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
