I'll bet she douches with gravy.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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