Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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