i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
