New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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