bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
