Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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