Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
