I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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