I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
