literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
