i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
