Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
