He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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