i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
