when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
