omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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