I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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