Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well I just put wine in my tea
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
