God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
