yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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