she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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