how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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