but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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