How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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