Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
