three words: i give head
three words: not that well
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
